How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
