i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
