At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
