My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
