I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
