I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
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you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
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When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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