Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
