Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
