Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
