My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
