I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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