All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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