Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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