Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
