TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
