I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
