thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's rum buckets o'clock
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
