they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
