Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Randomize
