He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
