Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
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i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
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I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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