i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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