I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize