Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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