For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
