Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
