i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
