I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
