You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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