So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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