I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
