And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
