FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
