omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
