The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
