whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
