His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Gay?
German.
Pity.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
