Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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