I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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