the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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