How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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