It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
