Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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