I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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