I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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