my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
