Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
