I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
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I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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