The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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