He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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