better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
