The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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