We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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